Stabby

Mornings make me stabby. The very act of getting out of bed, dressing, and pretending to be an even semi-functional human being makes me feel stabby.

I shared this sentiment with my girlfriend as I walked into the kitchen this morning. Without a word, she proceeded to hand me a knife and an orange.

Lessons learned from this early-morning scenario:

1. I now know how a serial killer juices an orange.
2. Clearly, my girlfriend has no sense of self-preservation.

In the beginning…

As I tried to pick a name for this blog I realized that I have no goddamn clue who I think I am. All I seem to be able to do is be envious of how awesome everyone else’s names are.

Example #1: The Bloggess? Awesome name. Duchess of Blogging*…. Also totally appropriate since she has an army of minions who could take over the world (or at the very least crash some internet servers).

Things I Know About Myself (I think?):

1. My books = my children. You hurt them and I will fuck you up. I still haven’t forgiven that bitch who screwed up my Chamber of Secrets.
2. Despite having written probably <5,000 words on anything outside of a school assignment, my dream is to be a writer. Also, writing scares me shitless. I am afraid of what I might learn about myself. I am afraid of people I know reading what I have written. I am always, always, always afraid of not succeeding.
3. Things I Know About Myself #2 is stupid and self-defeating. I totally get that.
4. I really fucking hate the zombification (yeah… that’s a word) of popular media. If you ever catch me reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, or watching Walking Dead, you have my permission to feed me to a pack of rabid dolphins.
5. Finally, in a completely original twist on absolutely nothing, I hate my job. My boss is a 28-year old ex-frat boy who (I believe I could prove) has never heard the word “no”. Ever. He enjoys making me feel like a worthless peon, verbally bitch-slaps every idea I have, and yet punishes me for not wanting to share my opinion anymore. I wonder why.
6. There are probably more  things I know about myself, but I am already bored with making this list, so…..

This shall henceforth be known has The Cracked Chronicles, because when I share my observations of the world with others I often think my head must be broken.

*I have absolutely no proof that this was her thought process when choosing her blog name, but I don’t care… it works.